


How I love thee?

by Angemicwings



Category: Supernatural
Genre: 15x18, Angst, Dean's POV, M/M, Sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-05
Updated: 2020-11-05
Packaged: 2021-03-09 00:47:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 804
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27406018
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Angemicwings/pseuds/Angemicwings
Summary: A little sad thing for tonight's episode.  Because I feel sad about tonight.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 2
Kudos: 20





	How I love thee?

Did you know? How much I loved you? How much I wanted to be with you, kiss you, touch you, always? Deep down I knew you loved me, why didn’t I ever do something. Why didn’t I over the years tell you I loved you, screamed that I loved you, whispered that I loved you.

I can’t remember the exact moment I realised I fell in love with you. I knew I loved you. I loved you the moment you chose me over heaven in that room, covering my mouth and writing bloody sigils on the wall. I owed you so much love and loyalty in return and I gave it willingly. But when did I fall in love with you? When did that love turn into something else? Probably when being apart from you felt like a festering wound. Purgatory. Not knowing where you were and if you were even alive poisoned my soul. I needed to find you, I had to find you I was prepared to tear apart Purgatory to find you and then I did. And of course you didn’t think you deserved to be saved and I think it was then that I knew I had fallen in love with you. Because things were felt right when we were together you know?

I knew I had fallen in love with you because every time they tried to keep us apart, each hurt and betrayal like shards of glass through my heart. Every time we would come back and forgive each other. You would leave but you would always come back. _But not this time._

I never really knew about love. Yeah I love Sammy (sometimes way too dangerously) but Sam is my brother, really my kid, the kid I raised. But apart from that, love was a fable like Mom and Dad. I thought I loved Lisa or Cassie. In hindsight I don’t think I did. I just liked the idea of love. But deep down I knew it wasn’t for the likes of me, I thought that love was a burning flame that would always burn out and I would end up bloody and burnt in the ashes.

Then there was you. And I realised that it was an all consuming fire that was both love and lust that would never burn out. _Never._

Did you know how much I dreamt of you? Of us together living in a dream world where we won, we had a home and let you have a damn dog or cat if you wanted one. Nights (and mornings) kissing and touching you. Sex but more than sex, making love. Dammit I wanted you to make love to me. I wanted to feel you everywhere, I wanted to feel your kisses on my skin. Catch your gasping breaths in my mouth, tasting every part of you.

I love you. I love you. And I hate you for leaving me. _I know why you had to_. But I hate that you are gone and I never got to tell you all these things. I miss you. I ache for you. What is the point of winning if you aren’t here with me? You stupid bastard, why did you feel like you could just throw yourself away like that? Was it because I never told you?

Oh I miss you, I can’t come to terms with you not being here. Sam has Eileen. I was meant to have you. Please, _please_ let me come to you when I die. I don’t care if it's 5 years or 50, don’t go where I can’t follow. I want to follow. I need to follow.

But then I realise you _did_ know. Those last few moments told me all I needed to know. You knew I loved you then, I love you now and I will love you forever. It’s timeless, it won’t end. It won’t burn out. Ever.

It hurts knowing that you can’t hear me. _I hope you can hear me, please hear me._

_Cas...Castiel. I love you._

\---

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.  
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height  
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight  
For the ends of being and ideal grace.  
I love thee to the level of every day's  
Most quiet need, by sun and candle-light.  
I love thee freely, as men strive for right.  
I love thee purely, as they turn from praise.  
I love thee with the passion put to use  
In my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith.  
I love thee with a love I seemed to lose  
With my lost saints. I love thee with the breath,  
Smiles, tears, of all my life; and, if God choose,  
I shall but love thee better after death.


End file.
